Why Phil Jackson Isn't The Coach Of The Lakers (The REAL Reason)

Phil says "A peyote a day keeps the doctor away."

There was speculation that with Mike Brown out as the Lakers head coach in five regular season games, the Lakers may explore bringing back Phil "Zen Master" Jackson back for the third tour of duty in Lakers' history. Mike D'Antoine ended up being the man for the job, but many have speculated that Phil may have wanted too much from the Lakers to return.

Phil stays high.

 However, "inside sources" (or just me making stuff up) have been in contact with Basketball, Only Funnier to report the real reasons why. In addition to Phil's high-boy chair being a little too high in the Montana mountains (as well as Phil I am sure), Phil is also supporting a similar bill as Amendment 64 in Colorado (colloquially known as "treat marijuana like alcohol"). Phil is proposing Amendment Philly J, which will be colloquially be known as "treat peyote as candy" (rumor has it that Phil was inspired to implement the triangle offense on a peyote induced zen mediation).

The proposed campaign photo for Amendment Philly J.

When reached for comment, Phil said "You think Dwight Howard is going to read the books I assign him? No way! Beside, only Gasol and Metta were willing to grow their required "hippie" beards to play as one. Who wants to work with their old lady's parents anyways. In tradition of my great forefathers, I have my weed gardens to tend to. And lastly, I will leave you guys with a bit of advice: There is no "I" in team, but there is a "U" in hallucinogens.

Jackson also has a lucrative KFC endorsement in the works.

Attention Denver Nugget Fans: Rasheed Wallace Coming Soon

Sheed doing what Sheed does best

Denver Nugget fans like it or not Rasheed Wallace (once part of the early 00's Jail-Blazers, infamous for their weed consumption) is coming to town. He will inevitably give up his "Brian Scalabrine role"  (or as TBJ fans know him "The Human Victory Blunt") on the New York Knicks & soon will demand a trade to the Nuggets. How do I know you ask? Well, it's only a matter of time before Sheed hears about Amendment 64 being passed in Colorado. Once Rasheed learns about the legal weed coming to Colorado, he won't be able to demand a trade fast enough. I give the over/ under at January 15th. Over or under, what do you guys think? How long before Sheed figures it out?

Ricky Rubio Calls Alexey Shved "Young Toni Kukoc" on Instagram

Picture of Shved on Pretty Ricky Tricky Ricky's Instagram account

Rubio might well have himself a point here. He does look like a lot like the Pink Panther but maybe more like Bulls era  Kukoc especially with the goatee. What do you guys think?

Thanks again to @ronaldiscool for the tip!

Spencer Hawes Grows Half Mustache To Go With Half Mullet

Spence Rocking the Mullet & Pedophile Style Mustache

Looks like Spence is growing an awful, incomplete mustache to go with his awful, incomplete mullet. I can't decide if he is going to jump his car over a barn or drive up in a big white van with no back windows offering kids candy. I guess it doesn't have to be mutually exclusive, why not both? Spencer might look good jumping his pedophile wagon over an old barn.

So to reiterate:

The General Lee

PLUS

Classic Pedophile Look

EQUALS

  

Good Ol' Boy Spencer Hawes

= 

Proof NBA Needs To Shorten New 90 Second Rule

Dwyane Wade checking to see if they dusted the heel of the rim. 

The NBA has recently instated a rule that NBA games must be started 90-seconds after player introductions. This measure is to try and help curb extensive pregame rituals, such as LeBron James' chalk ritual or the Thunder's collective hand shake squad with their very complex ritual (Kevin Durrant is not happy by the way...).

 But, here's the problem:

If all of the eight steps (which is really four) of Wade's ritual can be fit into less than 90-seconds, then surely it needs to be reduced accordingly. Wade had 25-seconds left, so I am thinking they make it the 50-60 seconds rule instead? Wade may have to choose which fans get love and which don't. The ones he doesn't point at will never know how much he cares 'cause they didn't get pointed at. :'( Maybe Dwyane feels the world would be a better place if he could take the time to individually point at each one of his fans.

Why Carmelo Anthony Should Consider Playing In China Now

China's flag with a few revisions by Carmelo Anthony. 

Not many NBA players would want to consider going to China to play basketball, especially in their primes. However, I think Carmelo Anthony should consider going to China sooner rather than later in his career and here are some reasons for you to consider:

• He considered playing in China before when the NBA season was threatened to be cancelled. 
• He has good memories in Beijing getting to his highest point in his career by winning an Olympic gold medal. 
• If Stephon Marbury has a statue there, Carmelo is definitely going to get one there. (Doesn't seem like he is going to get one in the USA at this rate...)
• He loves playing for big cities. There are LOTS of those in China. 
• He always wants to be the BIGGEST name and BIGGEST go to player on at least his team, if not the league and he would be doing so in the most populous country.
• Tracy McGrady, who recently migrated over to the Chinese league after failing to obtain a spot in the NBA, has his face on his shoes. A player of Melo's caliber would not only be able to get his face on a pair of shoes, but his whole team's jerseys and would even change their team name to the Melo's.  

The picture Carmelo Anthony would choose for his new team the Melo's. 

• He is already going to be a film star in China. 
• He might be there in a couple of years anyways. He seems to me to be the type of dominate player who may just fall off and follow in the foot steps of Stephon and T-Mac by playing in China. He might as well get a head start on his fan base.

And if that is not enough: Pandas, son, pandas.

Pandas love it when you look gangsta.