Why Phil Jackson Isn't The Coach Of The Lakers (The REAL Reason)

Phil says "A peyote a day keeps the doctor away."

There was speculation that with Mike Brown out as the Lakers head coach in five regular season games, the Lakers may explore bringing back Phil "Zen Master" Jackson back for the third tour of duty in Lakers' history. Mike D'Antoine ended up being the man for the job, but many have speculated that Phil may have wanted too much from the Lakers to return.

Phil stays high.

 However, "inside sources" (or just me making stuff up) have been in contact with Basketball, Only Funnier to report the real reasons why. In addition to Phil's high-boy chair being a little too high in the Montana mountains (as well as Phil I am sure), Phil is also supporting a similar bill as Amendment 64 in Colorado (colloquially known as "treat marijuana like alcohol"). Phil is proposing Amendment Philly J, which will be colloquially be known as "treat peyote as candy" (rumor has it that Phil was inspired to implement the triangle offense on a peyote induced zen mediation).

The proposed campaign photo for Amendment Philly J.

When reached for comment, Phil said "You think Dwight Howard is going to read the books I assign him? No way! Beside, only Gasol and Metta were willing to grow their required "hippie" beards to play as one. Who wants to work with their old lady's parents anyways. In tradition of my great forefathers, I have my weed gardens to tend to. And lastly, I will leave you guys with a bit of advice: There is no "I" in team, but there is a "U" in hallucinogens.

Jackson also has a lucrative KFC endorsement in the works.