Why Phil Jackson Isn't The Coach Of The Lakers (The REAL Reason)

Phil says "A peyote a day keeps the doctor away."

There was speculation that with Mike Brown out as the Lakers head coach in five regular season games, the Lakers may explore bringing back Phil "Zen Master" Jackson back for the third tour of duty in Lakers' history. Mike D'Antoine ended up being the man for the job, but many have speculated that Phil may have wanted too much from the Lakers to return.

Phil stays high.

 However, "inside sources" (or just me making stuff up) have been in contact with Basketball, Only Funnier to report the real reasons why. In addition to Phil's high-boy chair being a little too high in the Montana mountains (as well as Phil I am sure), Phil is also supporting a similar bill as Amendment 64 in Colorado (colloquially known as "treat marijuana like alcohol"). Phil is proposing Amendment Philly J, which will be colloquially be known as "treat peyote as candy" (rumor has it that Phil was inspired to implement the triangle offense on a peyote induced zen mediation).

The proposed campaign photo for Amendment Philly J.

When reached for comment, Phil said "You think Dwight Howard is going to read the books I assign him? No way! Beside, only Gasol and Metta were willing to grow their required "hippie" beards to play as one. Who wants to work with their old lady's parents anyways. In tradition of my great forefathers, I have my weed gardens to tend to. And lastly, I will leave you guys with a bit of advice: There is no "I" in team, but there is a "U" in hallucinogens.

Jackson also has a lucrative KFC endorsement in the works.

Attention Denver Nugget Fans: Rasheed Wallace Coming Soon

Sheed doing what Sheed does best

Denver Nugget fans like it or not Rasheed Wallace (once part of the early 00's Jail-Blazers, infamous for their weed consumption) is coming to town. He will inevitably give up his "Brian Scalabrine role"  (or as TBJ fans know him "The Human Victory Blunt") on the New York Knicks & soon will demand a trade to the Nuggets. How do I know you ask? Well, it's only a matter of time before Sheed hears about Amendment 64 being passed in Colorado. Once Rasheed learns about the legal weed coming to Colorado, he won't be able to demand a trade fast enough. I give the over/ under at January 15th. Over or under, what do you guys think? How long before Sheed figures it out?

Ricky Rubio Calls Alexey Shved "Young Toni Kukoc" on Instagram

Picture of Shved on Pretty Ricky Tricky Ricky's Instagram account

Rubio might well have himself a point here. He does look like a lot like the Pink Panther but maybe more like Bulls era  Kukoc especially with the goatee. What do you guys think?

Thanks again to @ronaldiscool for the tip!

Spencer Hawes Grows Half Mustache To Go With Half Mullet

Spence Rocking the Mullet & Pedophile Style Mustache

Looks like Spence is growing an awful, incomplete mustache to go with his awful, incomplete mullet. I can't decide if he is going to jump his car over a barn or drive up in a big white van with no back windows offering kids candy. I guess it doesn't have to be mutually exclusive, why not both? Spencer might look good jumping his pedophile wagon over an old barn.

So to reiterate:

The General Lee

PLUS

Classic Pedophile Look

EQUALS

  

Good Ol' Boy Spencer Hawes

= 

Proof NBA Needs To Shorten New 90 Second Rule

Dwyane Wade checking to see if they dusted the heel of the rim. 

The NBA has recently instated a rule that NBA games must be started 90-seconds after player introductions. This measure is to try and help curb extensive pregame rituals, such as LeBron James' chalk ritual or the Thunder's collective hand shake squad with their very complex ritual (Kevin Durrant is not happy by the way...).

 But, here's the problem:

If all of the eight steps (which is really four) of Wade's ritual can be fit into less than 90-seconds, then surely it needs to be reduced accordingly. Wade had 25-seconds left, so I am thinking they make it the 50-60 seconds rule instead? Wade may have to choose which fans get love and which don't. The ones he doesn't point at will never know how much he cares 'cause they didn't get pointed at. :'( Maybe Dwyane feels the world would be a better place if he could take the time to individually point at each one of his fans.

Why Carmelo Anthony Should Consider Playing In China Now

China's flag with a few revisions by Carmelo Anthony. 

Not many NBA players would want to consider going to China to play basketball, especially in their primes. However, I think Carmelo Anthony should consider going to China sooner rather than later in his career and here are some reasons for you to consider:

• He considered playing in China before when the NBA season was threatened to be cancelled. 
• He has good memories in Beijing getting to his highest point in his career by winning an Olympic gold medal. 
• If Stephon Marbury has a statue there, Carmelo is definitely going to get one there. (Doesn't seem like he is going to get one in the USA at this rate...)
• He loves playing for big cities. There are LOTS of those in China. 
• He always wants to be the BIGGEST name and BIGGEST go to player on at least his team, if not the league and he would be doing so in the most populous country.
• Tracy McGrady, who recently migrated over to the Chinese league after failing to obtain a spot in the NBA, has his face on his shoes. A player of Melo's caliber would not only be able to get his face on a pair of shoes, but his whole team's jerseys and would even change their team name to the Melo's.  

The picture Carmelo Anthony would choose for his new team the Melo's. 

• He is already going to be a film star in China. 
• He might be there in a couple of years anyways. He seems to me to be the type of dominate player who may just fall off and follow in the foot steps of Stephon and T-Mac by playing in China. He might as well get a head start on his fan base.

And if that is not enough: Pandas, son, pandas.

Pandas love it when you look gangsta. 

Recommend NBA Blogs / Podcasts

Now that the NBA season has started , a lot of you are wondering what other NBA blogs and podcast to follow during the season. Well, if you're reading my blog you probably are a pretty big NBA basketball fan that has a soft spot for a little levity. Here's two great ones I personally recommend:

The Basketball Jones

All of them are TBJ members except one. Can you Guess who? (Hint: he's wearning a robot shirt)

http://blogs.thescore.com/tbj/

Believe the Hype

Tom Read on the right & Benyam Kidane on the left. Both looking cool.

http://believethehypenba.com/

Nice they are both blogs and podcasts as well. I'd like to think that these blogs have a similar tone to my own blog ( basketball focus with humor infused) , whether they think so is a whole other question   :)

Enjoy!

Andrew Bynum Needs Pimp Re-Education

Very funny TBJ blog editor Trey Kerby recently posted a picture of Andrew Bynum supposedly dressed up as a pimp for Halloween (pictured above). At first it was not clear if it was a costume or not, but eventually Trey got to the bottom of it and found out it is a lazy, misguided costume. The type you put together right before you go out. Like this awesome one:

The classic college "Pot Head" last minute costume

Pretty clear that Drew just put on some fancy clothes and picked out his hair. Come on now, that's not what a pimp looks like now Andy!! So, to help out those who are less educated on pimphood like Andrew, I have assembled a small course for you to brush up on your pimpin' knowledge:

PIMP

NOT A PIMP!!!

PIMP

NOT A PIMP!!!

PIMP

NOT A PIMP!!!

PIMP

NOT A PIMP!!!

If you are ever confused, Mr. Bynum, just ask your buddy James Harden. He seems to keep his pimpin' hand pretty strong.

PIMP! 

Nate Robinson Flies Into the Hearts of Bulls Fans (Well, Maybe...)

Nate Robinson performing his celebration in the past for the Celtics

Bulls fans may have to get used to another celebration other than Joakim Noah's finger guns, as Nate Robinson prefers pretending to be an airplane. Nate Robinson has had a solid preseason including two great games on October 16th and October 26th getting 24 points and 13 assists, and 21 points and 8 assists respectively (where I saw a few airplane celebrations happening from ol' Nate).

Nate getting ready for his big hug from Bulls fans 

Though it is just the preseason, Nate seems to be learning where Tom Thibodeau wants him to be on the court offensively. At 5'9'' he will never be a great defender but he seems to be defending pretty well for a guy his size. He is strong and quick, built like a football player, which incidentially was what he did during college for a year. He is able to put points on the board in a hurry. Giving the Bulls more than just big dunks would be great from Nate (hey, that rhymes). If he could go off for a 20 and 10 game even every 10 days, that would be a pick-up that went the Bulls way (oh $hit, I just can't quit).

Nate thinking of trying out his celebratory chest slide like they do in soccer

Though before getting that Nate Robinson jeresy quite yet, Bulls fans, lets reminds ourselves of the situation we are in still. Sure Nate has played well but it's only preseason which literally counts for nothing, some of his other games have been forgetable, and it is clear that Tom prefers Hinrich over Robinson. I agree with this as Hinrich fits the system and Thib's philosophy better and I think Nate would do best as a spark off the bench and really being the scoring option for the second unit. It is yet to see what Nate brings, but so far so good and I don't know about you, but I am at least hoping for a Taj to Nate alley-oop which will remind of us a little bit of the Noah to Rose alley-oop to help us remember what the Bulls can be in the future. That's not too much to ask, is it Nate and Taj?

DJ Mbenga Mugshot Finally Emerges

DJ's Mugshot with taco found off floor, hopefully his lowest point

After first reading about DJ Mbenga's recent altercation with the law on Believe The Hype, I am reminded about the difference of lifestyle between pro athletes and those of us living more "normal lives." Sure, the highs are much highers than ours as working Joes, but the lows are much lower as well for professional athletes.

DJ's story reminds us of this paradox. One day you are sitting there with your giant championship taco and wearing your 16 thousand dollar pinky ring and in a blink of an eye you are eating a crusty taco you found on the floor of an old jail cell, drunk on expired verde sauce and old memories.

DJ in the good days with his championship taco

Keep your head up DJ, things will get better and I bet there are still more tacos in your future!

Andrew Bynum One-Ups Spencer Hawes

I didn't think that they would be a worse hairstyle this preseason then Spencer Hawes half mullet, but that's the beauty of the NBA it always keeps you guessing. Andrew Bynum must've been pretty upset that Spencer Hawes was taking up the bad hair spotlight. Clearly something had to be done.



His response? A natural that would make Don King proud. I say he adds to the King look and grows a beard to look a little bit more like this dude.

Maybe he's just trying to go as Frederick Douglass to a Halloween party and he's just getting ready (just like Louie's daughter).  Who knows what HE'S thinking...

Ty Lawson : Hookah Aficionado

Interesting how Ty uses the reference " welcome to the family". Not sure if this means he has many hookahs ( and if this is the case I hope he names them like in the movie Half Baked) or other ways to smoke "tobacco" (sure Ty tobacco). Personally I like to imagine him with a corn cob pipe or looking like the Hookah Smoking Caterpillar from Alice in Wonderland but that's just me.

Spencer Hawes is Trying to Grow Hair like John Waite or Other Famous Half Mullets

I finally got to the bottom of why Spencer Hawes would grow his hair in such a terrible style. Spence is just trying to copy English musician John Waite, except he forgot to spike his half mullet...we won't be "Missing You" or your half mullet though, Spencer.

Spencer Hawes's Mullet Looks Like Poo Poo

Looks like Spencer Hawes is rocking something close to a mullet. So I guess he is all business in the front but only a really crappy party that only a few people showed up to in the back.  Time to man up Mr. Hawes, if you're going to rock a mullet you might as well do it all the way or not at all.  Maybe he's trying to appeal to his conservative fans, much like his tweets about Obama (which by the way must have been the worst basketball camp of all time considering that he talked about taxes & other areas of government). I think your conservative fan base is a little more hip than you might think, Spencer, if that's how you're going to have your hair... Who get a haircut like that and think they look good in it? No shortage of delusion the world, I guess.


Though, it is not without precedence that Spence does something questionable with his hair. Cool Space Needle, bro.

Shout out to @ronaldiscool for the suggestion!

Arenas V.S. Gottfried: The Gilbert Files

Gilbert is a peculiar first name and two very different famous people share this name in Gilbert Gottfried and Gilbert Arenas. This naturally leads us in comparing these two and begs the questions: Who's your favorite Gilbert?

Arenas

Height: 6'4''

Weight: 215lbs

Age: 30

Ethnicity: Cuban/African American

Hometown: Florida and L.A.

Nickname: "The Hibachi"

Penchant for "Poo Poo Shoe"

Prankster

First paying job was NBA

Overpaid

Annoying

Got in trouble on twitter because made fun of blind date

Father was an actor

Thinks he is funny, but makes questionable jokes

Likes guns a little too much

His cousins play football

PETA supporter

Loves Halo, A "score booster"

Mentor of a boy

Gottfried

Height: 5'5''

Weight: 135lbs

Age: 57

Ethnicity: Jewish

Hometown: Brooklyn

Nickname: "That guy with the annoying voice who squints a lot"

Famous for voice of cartoon birds (AFLAC duck, Iago)

Insult comic

Lived with mom until middle-aged

The obvious choice for the book on tape of 50 Shades of Gray

Got in trouble on twitter for making jokes about tsunamis

Had one bad year on SNL

Father owned a hardware store

Thinks he is funny, but makes questionable jokes

A big fan of a roast and was on Hollywood Squares

Watch out for warning signs of turning into him 

Leave me your vote in the comments! 

Arenas or Gottfired?
	Arenas
	Gottfired
pollcode.com free polls

Only Watch Opening Day, According to Gerald Wallace

According to Gerald Wallace at 1:27, you can stop watching basketball after opening day since that will be the greatest day in NBA HISTORY. I guess it is all downhill from there. So, don't worry about that whole playoffs or finals thing, the REALLY important game is the season opener between two decent but not great basketball teams playing a potentially meaningless regular season game. I know I say this a lot, but stick to being the greatest Bobcat (which is officially the NBA's saddest honor after getting your jersey retired in the D League), analyzing seems to be beyond you.

Andrew Bynum is Already Practicing Driving Doug Collins Crazy

Andrew Bynum is already practicing driving head coach Doug Collins crazy like he did his former head coach Mike Brown as evidence of him taking these bad three-point shots.  Some may say he's merely resting his knees for the long season, but longtime NBA fans know better.  Andrew is trying to extend his range and become a more "complete player." When Doug Collins tried to call a meeting with Andrew, he declined instead  citing his need to practice Eastern religion principles.  When reached for comment, I coach Doug Collins sighed, poured a drink and said "It can't be any worse than the Olympics, can it?"  It's estimated that Doug Collins blood pressure will rise 150% this season, 2 to 1 odds that he is going to have a conniption fit on the side lines this year in Vegas. Smart money bets now.

Theory: NBA Player's Equate Comedy To A Lack of Clothes

Apparently, NBA players seem to think that if they take off their clothes in a public setting , that is the zenith of comedy. As evidence, we'll look at two case studies (no, not Greg Oden's Internet pictures. No one wants to see a 20 something year old dude that looks like he's 50 naked. NO ONE):


Shaq
As the very funny TBJ blog editor Trey Kerby has already pointed out, Shaq has used a lack of clothes as a Comedy device/crutch for some time now. If I saw a huge semi naked dude crossing the street, I'd be more concerned with what he was on than amused.

I wonder who else just has underwear or worse on just below the desk all the time? Anyone else think Ernie? I'd hate to be the interns on that show...

At this point, you'd have to think that maybe Shaq gets some sort of weird enjoyment from "losing" these bets. I'd bet he's just intentionally losing just to have an excuse to do it again...I'm betting he wears those around the house, just for fun.

Metta World Peace

From taking off his shirt at the Laugh Factory lately to his appearance on Jimmy Kimmel, Metta shows his style of humor well. A bit one dimensional if you ask me...

I think the space in that dude in the purple teeth is funnier than Ron Ron talking off his shirt

Kimmel thought it was funny I guess...guess I'm right not to watch his show....

I rest my case. Anyone else have any corroborating evidence of my theory?